Two Regular-Sized Human Women to Grace Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition

In a groundbreaking move that has sent shockwaves throughout the nation, Sports Illustrated's Swimsuit Edition has allowed not one but two average-sized human women — Robyn Lawley and Ashley Graham — to grace its pages. In a game-changing move that will surely scandalize the national public, the longstanding sports magazine has granted, for the first time in their history, the opportunity for Lawley (25) and Graham (27) to don a swimsuit for the sexually objectified pleasure of men (and some women) everywhere. 

"I can't believe it," explained completely-real-person* Jacob Loftsider. "There are two women in America above a size 10? I had no idea they even made women over size 6 except for jokes! I feel like Hollywood's been lying to me."

In the advertisement slated for the magazine's now-heroic issue, Graham is seen poolside, clad in stilettos and a bikini from SwimsuitsForAll, while a man in formal wear gets blown away by the audacity that is her attractiveness. (So much so that he lands in the pool.) In the accompanying video, Graham is later seen having a similarly shocking effect on three other men. It's a brave move for the males involved, giving a voice to the scores of men underserved by Sports Illustrated's straight-sized model usage.

No doubt the advertisement and Lawley's inclusion in the spread will become symbols for the coalition of courageous souls who believe — against all odds — that the size of a woman's curves do not matter in their overall sex appeal.

As for Lawley — who is allegedly below the American average at a size 12 (but plus-sized for the modeling industry, because somebody has to keep up beauty standards) — her inclusion in the magazine will be the first time a slightly-below-average-sized-woman will be featured in their bikini-laden spreads as opposed to a very-very-very-below-average-sized-woman. The Australian announced the news via her Instagram.

According to Women's Wear Daily, the average American woman is a size 14. Lawley herself is a size 12; there are conflicting reports as to whether or not Graham is a 14 or a 16 (we will update as more information on this shocking revelation is made available).

"This is a classic case of Photoshop gone too far," explained 87-year-old former advertising executive Dick Whitman*. "I've never been attracted to a woman this size: somebody is trying to mess with us."

"Someone has to tell the women it's not OK — this is an unrealistic beauty standard set upon overweight women," Whitman added*. "It's just not fair."

* = by 'real' we mean fake. Because obviously this is satire.