Politics

The Definitive Ranking of Presidential Candidates Based on Islamophobia

Following Donald Trump's plan to ban all Muslims from entering the U.S. — we've ranked presidential hopefuls from most Islamophobic to least Islamophobic.

Evaluations are based on statements made by candidates and an extremely scientific and totally accurate scale of Ahmed Mohamed(s).

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Explaining the scale:

Ahmed Mohamed, a 14-year-old Muslim student, who unwillingly became the face of racism towards Islam when he was arrested after a teacher thought he brought a bomb to school. The "bomb" in question was actually a homemade clock, perceived to be dangerous as the result of Islamophobia.

1. Donald Trump

Trump

Evaluation:

The Republican front-runner (sigh) has gone on the record saying, “I love the Muslims, I think they’re great people.” Putting “the” in front of any race descriptive is a red flag that one is uncomfortable with the stated race. Kind of like when your grandma thinks “the black” across the street is “actually very gentle.” Oh! And Trump also released an official policy plan calling for a hard stop on allowing Muslims entry into the U.S. — even American Muslims who are currently out of the country.

Likely to:

Claim your homemade clock is a bomb, cast it in gold, and put it on his mantle.

Score: 5/5 Ahmed Mohameds

Ahmed scale

2. Ted Cruz

Cruz

Evaluation:

In November, Cruz introduced a bill closing U.S. doors to refugees from any territory “substantially controlled by a foreign terrorist organization” unless they are fleeing genocide. The bill would sunset after three years so that Congress can re-evaluate… so that’s a little less sucky. But remember, Cruz is the son of a refugee himself… so that’s super sucky.

Likely to:

Hold on to your homemade clock for you just to be safe, but use it to tell time when it was convenient for him.

Score: 4.5/5 Ahmed Mohameds

Ahmed Scale

3. Rand Paul

Paul

Evaluation:

Last month, Paul called for an “Immediate moratorium” on U.S. visas from countries with "significant jihadist movements,” including those for students and tourists. Paul said that the recent attacks in Paris should alert us that we can’t just “let anyone come to this country.” Unlike Trump, Paul would only implement this policy to the 30-or-so countries that he deems high risk. When asked to comment on Trump's plan to disallow all Muslims from the U.S., a spokesperson for Paul said, “Senator Rand Paul has led on the issue of border security... That's why earlier this month he introduced legislation to block visitors and immigrants from nations with known radical elements."

Likely to:

Criticize the stolen clock on your mantle and claim that he had a better stolen clock first.

Score: 4.5/5 Ahmed Mohameds

Ahmed Scale

4. Jeb Bush

Bush

Evaluation:

Following Trump’s extreme proposal yesterday, Bush took to Twitter to call Trump “unhinged” and denounce his plan as “not serious.” So what serious plan does he have instead? Well, Bush thinks that the U.S. should totally let refugees in… just as long as they can prove they’re Christian. If that plan sounds familiar to you, it’s because your prudish mom said the same thing about your dating life.

Likely to:

Let you keep your homemade clock as long as you can prove the time started ticking 1 A.D.

Score: 3.5/5 Ahmed Mohameds

Ahmed scale

5. Ben Carson

Carson

Evaluation:

Unlike Jeb Bush, Carson doesn’t believe we should limit refugee entry to Christians. He would rather pick and choose based on “ideological tests.” Finally! A test even more norm-biased than the SATs! In September, Carson also told NBC'S "Meet the Press," that ““I would not ever advocate that we put a Muslim in charge of this nation, I would not.” So, yeah…

Likely To:

Ask your homemade clock some questions, hoping for an answer he wants to hear.

Score: 3.5/5 Ahmed Mohameds

Ahmed scale

6. Marco Rubio

Rubio

Evaluation:

Rubio is a whole other story. It’s not that he doesn’t want to let refugees in… he just, like… can’t right now. Before the attacks on Paris happened Rubio was “potentially” cool with letting “some” refugees in, but now he’s changed his tune. In regard to Trump’s plan, Rubio tweeted: “I disagree with Donald Trump's latest proposal. His habit of making offensive and outlandish statements will not bring Americans together.” He then offered no solution of his own.

Likely To:

Really want you to know that he really wishes you could keep your homemade clock, but also that you can’t.

Score: 2.5/5 Ahmed Mohameds

Ahmed scale

7. Hillary Clinton

Clinton

Evaluation:

“This is reprehensible, prejudiced and divisive.” Those were the words Clinton tweeted directly at Donald Trump followed his plan to block out all Muslims. Hillary LOVES her some refugees, they make her feel young. You want to bring in 10,000, America?! Ha! Hillary wants to bring in over 60,000 (as long as she can rigorously screen them). And though she'll make sure Muslim civilians entering the U.S. are nice and comfortable, she won't lose sleep over the ones in the areas she's worked to increase drone strikes in.

Likely To:

Prove she cares more about Muslims than you do by moving them into her own house where a framed photo of your homemade clock (which you got to keep, obviously) sits on her mantle.

Score: 1/5 Ahmed Mohameds

Ahmed Scale

8. Bernie Sanders

Sanders

Evaluation:

In response to Trump’s extremist policy, Bernie tweeted: "Demagogues throughout our history have attempted to divide us based on race, gender, sexual orientation… Now, Donald Trump and others want us to hate all Muslims.” Following the Paris attacks, Bernie specifically stated that terrorism will not result in the U.S. succumbing to Islamophobia. Sanders would probably also want to screen refugees, but mostly to find out if they were also gay so he could shake their hand and slip them a legalized joint. That's not to say that Bernie isn't cautious... he's super cautious when it comes to using drone strikes in areas where innocent Muslim civilians are located but wouldn't stop the program if elected president.

Likely To:

Turn your homemade clock into a bong.

Score: -1 Ahmed Mohameds

Ahmed Scale

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